sometimes the confusion is the lesson

Making sense of the manic

manic: Full of or characterized by frenetic activity or wild excitement.

You know when Raven gets a vision and it feels like ultimate clarity? I was getting the complete opposite of that. Like my Ori was screaming “NOOOOOOO!!!!” And when I’d ask, “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING NO TO?!” They were like, “I DON’T KNOW BUT NOOOOO!” And so…I’d do one of 3 things.

• Freak out because I thought something was terribly, terribly wrong,

• Sit at my altar and harass them niggas for answers, which were often vague, or clear to them but not to me,

• Journal. I journaled so much actually that I filled out an entire 200 page journal in 4 months.

Sometimes the confusion is the lesson.

You’ve probably dealt with this. The heat sweats. The chills. The fuzz in your head and the manic moment of “what the fuck is actually happening, I thought I knew but clearly I don’t. What did I miss? Do I start over entirely?”

I found that each time I spiraled in what felt like a manic frenzy of inspiration, I got quite a few things right. Just not all in the right order. And trust me, the order matters. In tandem, there were things I had to see and experience between these frenzies in order to become the person who could fulfill the plans I had.

For example, this mentorship.

I’ve had to relearn, release, and reframe so many lessons I’ve learned in the past 10 years of practice…because God was testing me. They told me it was time to teach and I said, delicious, let’s go, but I had hesitation about it. I’m only 28. I get super tired of the internet, it’s hella work promoting my work, it’s demoralizing when people don’t show up, I’m a sporadic bitch, I love doing a million things, and it has been super challenging for me to commit to things, even when I love them.

In doing this while in my integration walk, I began to see how interconnected each step was. I asked for confirmation that this would really be good to do at this time, and it came from multiple guides. But in order to get that confirmation, I had to follow the nudges. They were:

• adding an interest form for mentorship

• letting myself feel how much I really love doing this work during sessions

• talking to the people they brought around me, so I could see the synchronicities arranged for me

• staying up to date with offerings for my Spirits, following through on prescriptions they gave me, and allowing their works to manifest in form

I had to observe the moments I was not listening to the nudges too, so I could take accountability for letting myself shrink back and revisit the lessons given. When I shrank back, sometimes I’d fall into self doubt…but then I’d get a vision of the thing they asked me to do, or see someone else do it and understand what my guides were leading me to.

But if I say I want my community well, and want to be well through sharing my medicine, is it not worth sacrificing the previous narrative? Isn’t it worth it to

break the visual of the broke, exhausted curandera, while helping my people break chains? Am I able to find ways of making it manageable for myself, and fruitful for the people learning from me?

Of course.

So I set my intention with Spirit: I want to offer mentorship in a way that doesn’t exhaust me, interfere with my other dreams and desires, and allows me to share with my community in a nourishing way. I want participants to feel their power, move with intention, and move forward in their medicine.

I had to change the structure for these lessons, several times over. It was gonna be live, then entirely pre-recorded; it was already outlined one way, then my spirits said “yes but not like that, deeeeper” and poured more into me. In working through this, I deepened my way of inviting my spirits into my practice, and my spirit walk overall.

The feeling of being ‘manic’ really…helped me. To make the feeling stop, I’d have to play a game of ‘getting warmer’ with myself to figure out what was correct. The day I thought I wanted to do live classes, I started outlining alllll the stuff I wanted to talk about, deep in excitement. When I was done outlining, the manic feeling came back. This is probably what my altar conversation sounded like:

Me: I WROTE IT ALL OUT ALREADY! WHY DOES IT FEEL BAD AGAIN?

Spirit: we’re giving you what you want.

Me: I want this shit to make sense and be clear. now. not to feel like I’m having a heatflash.

Spirit: sit down and think. What are you doing that is misaligned with what you want?

And I remembered that live classes are fucking draining, honestly. That I can teach in different ways, and the heat was asking me to be aware of my own limitations so I didn’t create another block. My body was asking me to trust that it knows what alignment feels like, and that my mind will shake shit up to remind me to listen. That was when I realized I, and my work, are worth it when I’m not drained, and teaching can be pleasurable again. Then, the heatwave and frenzy gave way to cool, refreshing chills down my nerves and heart.